MY MOTHER AT 4:00am SENT THIS MESSAGE TO HER GROUP THERAPIST. THE GROUP IS TIRED OF HAVING HER CONSTANTLY DISRUPTING GROUP THERAPY AND BUTTING INTO CONVERSATIONS. SHE JUST CAN'T KEEP HER MOUTH CLOSED FOR MORE THAN 3 SECONDS AT A TIME AND THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR 30+ YEARS. NEVER WILL SHE JUST KEEP QUIET, EVEN DURING A MOVIE OR DURING DINNER. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING. IT HAS DRIVEN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY RELATAVIES AWAY BECAUSE SHE CONSTANTLY TALKS OVER THEM. MY MOTHER DOESN'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK OR YOUR OPION ON REALLY ANYTHING. SHE JUST WANTS TO TELL YOU HER OPINION ON EVERYTHING...IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXHAUSTING!!
NAME Judi Date: 6-25-20
What are your therapeutic goals for today and this week?
1 Leave Out Patient Group on a “High Note” either 6-25 Fri or 6-29
Mon because of my move 6-30 t0 7-2 to The Waterford Of Mesquite an Independent
Living Community of just over 100 people including staff. There are 3 apartment
floors and I am on floor 3Rd floor with mostly single women due widows or
divorced like me. My apartment is safe with 2 wellness checks a day at 8-9 pm
and Noon if I am not in scheduled activities like art exercise later dining
room for breakfast lunch and dinner now delivered to my apartment due Covid 19
partial quarantine. I have been trained to carry hand sanitizer, wear my mask
and sanitizer wipes to navigate available activity rooms like library, art and
puzzles room, exercise class also offered on own tv channel, walking group called
Waterford Walkers plus 2 outdoor areas front and back with rockers and glider
seating more 2 for visitors other than my designated care giver my daughter Zoe
who can and is acting on my behalf while I recover. In 2015 and 2018 I put in
place via my Attorney a Medical Power of Attorney and a Medical Directive for
state of Texas and voided one for North Carolina where I formerly lived with my
daughter and her family. When they moved from Waco TX to Mesquite TX where we
now all live I had my Attorney put in place a Durable Power of Attorney in
which she now represents me to void last 3 months of my lease where I now live,
Coordinate with my Medicare caseworker and an independent Medical Advocate as I
also am covered by Federal Blue Cross Blue Shield for my medications and
secondary costs after Medicare. My daughter Stephaney Zoe is a loving and
supportive care taker. She just bought me a new beautiful wardrobe so I will go
to Waterford with 15 or more mix and match outfits, 3 pairs new shoes etc.
When I wanted to repay her out of my $1200 stimulus money she said
I had bought her beautiful clothes for years and it was her turn. I thanked her
for such a loving gift cause I was debt free before my hospital stay and now
bills coming in. I owe $1,408.00 on an almost $19,000.00 meds bill for 3 days.
Still do not have meds bill for GBH for 12 days meds let alone my out pocket
cost for 3 days in Baylor Scott and White plus 12 bill for in patient stay at
Garland Behavioral Health plus Out Patient IOP GBH for 15 days so far.My
psychiatrist is only $26.00 and $13.00 co-pay. I just imagine 5 mg Melatonin
will not soothe me to sleep so I will turn it over to my daughter, my medical
health advocates and My Higher Power because what is spent is spent on hospital
care stellar care all my Super Hero’s. I did art thanking them ALL!
2 Anyway goal # 2 - Say Good bye to my home now and over weekend.
It’s been really good townhome apartment over 1000 sq ft just for me but The
Jerk came again in my manic psychosis-none since 2005 25 years cause I booted
that Jerk right out of life with CBT, women counselors in the trenches with me
and my PTSD plus self defense classes for FIVE YEARS 1995 to 2000! I know my
severe rapid cycling Disorder Affective Schizo Bipolar Type is scary. You want
to know my secret to PREVENT RELAPSE? Apply myself to Recovery, manage both
Mood Stability and PTSD. I named named first break down in 1990 THE RUNAWAY
TRAIN WRECK because I felt defeated spiritually where was My Higher Power
because I had protection at 4 12 and 16 and then wham at 39 I am defeated and
all 3 of Jerks say it’s because I wanted what did to me and tell any grownups
they can prove been somewhere else & hurt my baby brother 4 or my baby
sister at 12. My Aunt Marty found in bushes at 4 & I got Home Town Justice
cause she told her husband and his brothers and Deputy Sheriff and I got to
spit on guy like my Uncle Holley showed me to spit and tell That Jerk died old
age “If ever do that and hurt another Lille girl like me they will ALL make you
wish you were in HELL cause you’re evil man and that’s where evil people
go-Hell” Same for 12 and 16 My Daddy told both to stay away from me and move
away NOW cause I could only say put their tongues down my mouth not any of
other. Except for women counselors I never told anyone dirt truth until I was
65 years old and gave journals to my daughter Zoe my young sister Liz and my
oldest niece who I watched like hawk and all married then 22 to 30 years with
nice husbands they can trust. I divorced my husband in 1982 because I could not
trust him and he stole from every employer he ever worked for plus ran up huge
credit card debt in both our names. I never told him what happened to me as a
child. He sometimes caused me great distress and PTSD cause he would be
insensitive. He has a PHD in Educational Psychology yet he cannot be kind to me
financially, spiritually or emotionally tho he never abused me physically. I
still felt I married a Selfish Narcissist and I shocked him by divorcing Him in
a $5000 arbitrated divorce in Texas in 1982 when only NY and CA offered them
and my now exhusband said we could NOT afford one-Do NOT Challenge Workaround
Judi-I have been negotiating with abusers for years like taking my brothers
punishments before he went to school once I got home after school. My Nanny was
well aware her daughter put me in locked closet of my room and took light bulb
out. So how did she handle it? She asked her daughter if that was true. My
mother denied it and called me a liar. Who did Nanny believe? She taught me to
read Braille and My first Braille book about Helen Keller a smart girl who said
“life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” That book made me Workaround
Judi at age 3 cause I did Jess’ distraction and read books by Braille and
pretended I was little girl who had no sight or hearing or ability to speak.
There are a lot people who have kept me sane for 30 years — Helen Keller, my
Nanny who believed me, My Daddy who believed me My Aunt Marty and Uncle Holly
who believed me and ultimately My daughter Zoe, my sister Liz my oldest niece
and friends through years who protected me at work and church and they knew I
was psychotic at times. I find it hard to trust people who believe all Bipolar
Affective DO rapid cycling type DSM III 296.7 now Schizo Affective DO, bipolar
type formerly diagnosed by my new psychiatrist affirming Dr O’s diagnosis.
Anyway back to ex husband and maybe I will wake up barely in time for group and
drink GLUCERNA. Please forgive me if say Group members have right to mad at me
and want me out. Please five me 4 mins at end Group to day I am sorry for
disrupting group and say kind graceful good bye and I wish could have paid for
donuts and kolaches but Christopher generously covered it. 3 sentences. Lot mr
do it first just sing off and give myself no pass grade for IOP. Back yp ex He
finished his PHD and he had raw nerve to tell me he like say shut F up. Guess
he slept through that grad class. I am trained in dual major both School Psychology
and Child Clinical Psychology. I was not formally diagnosed until 1990 and I
learned about myself in my grad studies long ago in 1970s.
Symptoms FINALLY
Depressed 1
Angry 1 Laugh most time at my unreal manic psychosis cause thanks
meds and support Drs You Group in out GBH plus my stellar family cause my brain
“rebooted” back reality how will I pay all hospital bills and my dear
daughter’s inheritance may be wiped out in in days in GBH and 12 days in IOP
GBH give me whole box donuts I may need sugar distraction to get over hospital
stay in 2005 cost mr $605 And this one could cost all my dear daughter’s
inheritance and even If I could avoid free comp month at The Waterford my next
home may be my car.
Stress 5 Moving Medical bills 7 cause there’s much in my savings
after moving Why move? 3 fall risks in my home per Home Health Nurse that
either apt owner or I cannot or will not fix starting with tub/shower even my
shower chair cannot fix etc
Panic Attacks zero
My sleep Improving With melatonin but bills
My appetite improvedNo seeing hearing things
No new problems with relationships even tho out psychosis doing
mood stability and half world men Yikes Just kidding I trust myself now and men
in my family plus guys like Christian and Group Guys reassure me
Bet you wish I could just check boxes on a paper form or my iPad
let me prefill Me too
Can control anger
Np side Meds change Lost one and half pounds re exercise
No racing thoughts now except I want go to bed and sleep until
8:30 am
No isolation
No flashbacks today
No memory body trauma
No one triggering me I sent The Jerk to local Friends in effigy
like movie Groundhog Day cause He and my brother met there two years ago where
my brother goes almost everyday to eat drink lite beer cause it is not whiskey.
My brother had four wives one annulment and 3 divorces to his credit but he is
my little brother. I used to call him bud and take his punishments-abuse from
our mother. The bar staff call him Norm, He talks to everyone Especially
Vietnam Vets cause he is one. That’s where he met up with The Jerk and they
decided I deserved what guy did to me cause II am crazy and II asked for it! In
beery lite haze they both condemned ME! I did NOT ask to be raped! Then all
comes out in news about Bill Cosby and Matt Laur and Weinstein on on Mooves and
Ailes and Bill O’Reilly on and on and on & my Bud watches Fox 4 News and
tells me ALL those Guys were railroaded! My Bud-My little brother broke really
shattered my heart to pieces! My Dad knew The Jerk was bad news and told him
NOT come again to our house when I was barely 16 and he was 19 cause held back
in school. Do you know how much I cringe feeling out these ratings when get to
harm part and do NOT really want answer. I have diagnosis now which my brother
told this Jerk. Statute of limitations long gone and just want my privacy and
to be left in peace. While Itold my sister and my daughter and my niece Itold
NO ONE ELSE! Only my ex husband can say The Jerk used call and harass me at my
parents’ phone. MY Dad is gone passed away since 2016, my Dad asked my
son-in-law to protect me and my daughter from this Jerk.
I started or tried start a walking group outside Of all
chaos of VSL movies going on in group activity room. I now know it was kind of
bullying 0f “THE OLD GIZZER” grandmother and great grandmother of Group, Guess
what? I got accepted by my peers and made a full group member of In Patient
Group because like it or not we are testing each other when you’re doing
staffing and it’s just us. Just like elementary school we tested each of us not
rat out each other. I can proudly say at 71 going on 72 I am a Group In Patent
in good with my Group! I messed up Out Patient Group because OMG there were
real men in it and I defaulted to my best protection mode THE MUCH OLDER FUSSY
SUNDAY SCHOO TEACHER mode and it worked well but coming out of manic mood
swings so fierce I could not stop them I messed up Group. SORRY I did not mean
to disrupt Group. One of most fun days in high school was when I goody two
shoes and The Bad Girl teamed up ditched school and smoked cigarettes. It is
4:30 and I will sleep through group. I do not think it is good idea for me to
mess up group with my non stop talking and interruptions. I resign from Group
and please just say I will miss Group but no WiFi off 6-30 to 7-5. Then move
into my new place. I do not like leaving like this but daughter is worrying
about my part of medical bills and I slept Through one. Help her if can with
Medicare case manager. She’s tired too.
Rest ratings not legible or cut off
Dorothy,
You and Jennifer have been so gracious, kind and considerate to me
through all my Group disruptions including last ZOOM tech snafu and making it a
WIN WIN WIN for us all by brilliantly making it a Group activity and allowing
me to keep my dignity because I was frustrated due short term memory lapses and
Jennifer aided me & The Group cheered me on to doing Group through my
iPhone vs my iPad would not cooperate. Truth is now admit I knew workaround was
my iPhone but not steps to get there. I thought here I go again disrupting
Group and not be level enough to show them my Real Strength which is they can
be me 30 years down road-successfully preventing relapses and managing our own
disruptions mine rare mood instability that never makes to depression most them
fighting. I actually met a woman in my psychiatrist’s office yesterday with
worse mania than mine and older than me! My Higher Power’s gift to me-a great
day where she told me to take melatonin to sleep and hot drink like for me
herbal tea. My psychiatrist told me take 5-10 mg melatonin a night and list
foods to eat to prevent mood instability because Risperdone and Carbamazepine
hard on me at my age like Lunesta.
Anyway I will leave Group Friday or Monday if Group “votes” I can
stay if do not disrupt Group then WiFi off from 6-60 until 7-3 or 7-5 per
Waterford and ATT 7-4 holiday. I have Dr O. as my terrific psychiatrist
and after 3rd office visit we will do Tele health visits through her link not
ZOOM. My therapist and I have two appointments scheduled in her office for this
week and week after this week. If she has no Tele health option I will stay
safe and vigilant with my mask, hand gel and sanitizer wipes and use Waterford
shuttle to see her.
Maybe I did not tell all of you I have no ride to do IOP at GBH
and must use ZOOM to participate. ZOOM is not as good as being there in person
cause you cannot cue me as easily as Jess to wait my turn and not interrupt.
Anyway I am much improved in mood STABILITY just I prefer I’m
possible to impossible. This is kind objective feedback to you-Your symptoms
ratings mostly do NOT work well for me tho I am such goody two shoes I did not
mention you have no NOT APPLICABLE option for drugs and alcohol addiction or
self abuse by cutting. Plus yes or no to Impulse control does not work for me.
Why? S/b 1 to 10. I am 5-7 not like told to me “No impulse” control. Do you
know it’s NO or 1 if I am in manic psychosis rather than mood instability or as
I prefer mood stability. Please set me up for success and know taking melatonin
will take few days to work effectively. So futile go bed 9:30 to 10:30 and fall
soundly to sleep at around midnight. Still 6 1/2 hours sound sleep.
I am doing what Jess taught me-a distraction from not falling
asleep right away.By
way how about Last Laugh with Good Ending-In Patient Group mostly young women
in their late teens like 18-19 to young 20s for drug addiction issues. Who do I
look like to them?
Their really old granny or better yet their GREAT GRANDMOTHER. We
had stay in Group Room from after breakfast to bedtime almost and last meds. I
count on one group member to have my back so (all female floor no men great for
me a multiple rape survivor from age 4 to 12 to 16 to 39) young ones trying to
haze me with eye rolls or shocking me with F words or better yet wearing tight
leggings no bras and loose tops and shoving chairs in front of me or dancing
showing off skin art down to their behinds and showing off bare naked girls
flashing me. So they thought I would rat them out to a Tech or Nurse for
watching VSL rated movies and flashing plus playing lewd suggestive rap music.
Nope I just let them do it all while saying I was sitting by window cause sorry
your movies trigger me and did Jess’ toolkits Dealing With Psychosis and
Dealing With Mood Instability. I picked my own snack trash and theirs too. I
told one girl she was much more talented than her rapper dealer “boyfriend” and
just block his number from her phone. 3 days later and w only kindness-remember
Plato said in 600 AD show kindness as we all fight hard battles-tolerance they
began picking up their own trash dressing to display their art beautifully And
all did was be kind tolerant accepting and supportive So why did I go backwards
in Out patient group-Men and I must face that’s my and our Real World. Who
helped me face my fear men and fact shoo them off with my SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER
ACT-Christian that’s who. But in enough time to not alienate All men and shy
ones and all in Group. Who will rescue me this time? You cannot as our
objective Group Leaders. Maybe Scott the kindest most welcoming man I do not
fear in Group. I tend to identify with our ZOOM guys like Daniel who I fear I
ran off or Christopher who is so fighting hard his depression yet shares a lot
of positives and the Guy who scares me most because I knew close to saying he
knew a lot more about computer snafus then me. I’d want to ask why will you not
help me because I just F ing forgot? Who will ask me to stay at least until
6-30? I left this with my Higher Power cause I do not know an answer. Kindly
Judi
No comments:
Post a Comment