bipolar person dealing with group therapy

IF MY MOTHER DOES NOT GET HER WAY SHE WILL LEAVE THE GROUP THERAPY SESSIONS.  THIS IS WHAT SHE TEXTED HER THERAPIST YESTERDAY.  IT IS JUST ONE OF MANY LONG TEXT MESSAGES.

June 23, 2020

followed your tips and first time it was awkward no flow because my manic events have worn me out. My mood swings not manic to depressed but most challenging kind like swings to outer edge of mania then relief back to manic energy. I learned along time ago I can not control a manic swing from mild back to extreme. I somehow trust counselors and social workers more because you all are in trenches with us trying our best to manage depression or mania. I have dual majors at the Masters level in both school/educational psychology and clinical psychology for children ages 8 to 18 or even young adults to age 21. I was literally in the “trenches” with them helping 8-12 year olds learn manage their mental or learning challenges like dyslexia while trying to quiet and calm their behavioral outbursts or physical self abuse because filled with anger at what they were experiencing! Many were bright intellectually and many temper outbursts because they cannot learn like most children. First to be bullied and called names because in my time little training to help classroom teacher “mainstream” a child with severe dyslexia or high functioning child with Autism who avoids eye contact be accepted by their peers. I have variously called my severe rapid cycling manic swings And now two manic psychosis breaks “The MONSTER ROLLACOASTER (SP?) RIDE”(1990),THE RUNAWAY TRAIN WRECK” (1995) and the “FLYAWAY DRAGON KITE” (2005)for literally wrecking my life first financially, next professionally and the most important stealing my identity so I do not even know my strong kind assertive generous spiritually centered self-The Real ME!. This is a long “thank you” I know but you, Jennifer, Christian & sorry the other stellar social worker did not catch his name and Jess who gave me 3 toolkits (developed in Canada) “Dealing with Psychosis,” “Dealing with Mood Instability,” and “Processing Grief” saved the QUALITY OF MY LIFE FOR THIRD JOURNEY (60 to 71 so far).

I honestly expected to end up in a geriatric “One Flew Over the Coocoo”s Nest” based on my Mother’s dire predictions of how my Old Gizzer years end-crazy and old too.

THANK YOU BEYOND WORDS IN YOUR BUSY BUSY DAY FOR NOT WRITING ME OFF AS A OLD PERSON DISRUPTING YOUR PSYCHO EDUCATIONAL GROUPS. I myself voluntarily left my work with children with TEA Education Service Centers when first I suffered deep depressions based on child rape at 4 and second rape at 12 when a 34 year old man raped me and a savvy 14 yr old girl at school told me I was probably pregnant. I was socially immature but had matured psychically early growing up at age 11 with no support from my Mother who said I deliberately ruined my clothes and threw adult feminine hygiene products at me. In my immaturity I desperately went to her and thought I was going to die bleeding to death. I also tried to kill myself one and only time with Family Size Bottle of Bayer Aspirin. I got idea from a soap opera show my Mother watched called “When the World Turns”. She knew I’d taken the aspirin bottle and taken tabs with OJ and graham crackers. Eventually I got sick and vomited and my Mother told school I was out with flu. I rarely told my loving supportive hard working Big Daddy about our Mother’s abuse and when he did discover it he’d be despondent himself cause he loyally loved his three children and tried his level best to protect us. Him, my Nanny, my Grandma Hattie and Aunt Marty all our protectors.

Anyway you do not need story of my childhood abuse and I am usually quite private.

While Daddy talked openly with us kids about our abusive mother a Christian man divorce not an option and when did try leave her after finally investigated for child abuse in Missouri she threatened to talk all money assists in marriage and put my brother and I up for adoption. She even consulted an attorney who credibly told my Daddy he’d get no money plus lose his children. My Dad empowered all 3 of his children to break cycle of child abuse and spousal abuse by his just telling her in calm voice to stop or calm down (My Mother had severe dyslexia (inability to write) (my Brother inability to read) and severe OCD plus anger and impulse management issues. She was born prematurely at barely 4 pounds in 1928 and expected to die. So in DNA family lotto I got Bipolar along with a girl cousin worse case than mine, my paternal Grandfather with less severe bipolar and my Dad with hard depressions triggered by work stress and our Mother’s instability. I took on role of Mommy for my sister and caretaker for my brother including taking his punishments after I got home from school, learning to make deals with our abuser at a young age. No one’s suffering or torment or inherited disorder is more significant than the other person. I practice Albert Einstein’s wisdom-“I am a humble man and am just curious. I ask many curious questions and get a simple answer that’s JESUS (my higher power but I disguise him so as not to offend people of other faiths)

answering my prayer.” Jesus who has been in dark closets with me when my Mother locked me in and said BOOGY man or devil get me because I was born a girl not the boy she wanted for her first born. The power of Jesus is amazing because he allowed me to spit in eye of my first rapist even though mute, shy and wet bed for while after. That was my Aunt Marty who rescued me from bushes that day and had her husband, his brothers and the deputy sheriff put fear God in him to never hurt another little girl again.

I’m so private about my rape history and I was 65 before I told three young girls my daughter Zoe, my sister Liz 12 years younger than me and my niece Stacy my story and that I’d kept protective eye on them as grew up. Taught them to avoid risky and dangerous situations with boys and men. I whose marriage ended at 13 years because he at times just wanted me “to shut the F up” plus I’d wanted out of that marriage since 1976 nine years in because of his thefts from employers, spending credit card “loans” like they were cash not loans and his other cheats another abuser of different kind.

I stayed because it took me 1980 to pay off joint debt AND bank account and credit cards in my own name and remove my name from any joint credit card accounts,

Most importantly my daughter wanted to keep her Daddy and not be from broken home a stigma at school at time. Children great readers of people even though they lack adult verbal schools. I call it a child’s natural protective shield. She asked me at 5 what was wrong with Daddy. I told let’s “think” about our answers and we will share them together privately in her play house. Kids are so honest. She told me Daddy was a selfish man who lied if I did not know that. She sorry to give such hard news about your husband Mommy. I said OK let me give you some good news about Our Daddy (I wanted her to know we were in this together like my Dad told his 3 kids). He’s OUR liar and selfish Daddy and WE LOVE HIM LIAR AND SELFISH AND ALL!

THANK YOU FOR KEEPING ME IN GROUP! MAKING ME FEEL WANTED AND NOT THE ODD ONE AMONGST ALL. I JUST WANTED TO NOT DISRUPT GROUP BECAUSE I AM KIND AND EMPATHETIC TO YOU I WAS GOING TO QUIT NEXT WEEK DIPLOMATICALLY-ever the kind diplomat. I will stay on and only talk every 4th item I write and please cue me like Jess when talk. I am a natural goody two shoes and sorry Dorothy about remark give me B rather than A bit I was tired. Former George Walker Bush addressed graduating class at Yale University with ‘Who is graduating with a C average?” Not many hands went up. Then he landed his zinger right over heads of Honors Graduates-“You too can be president.” I really deserved a D for disrupting Group, Dorothy. I hope we do share “over achiever” because you’re also kind and you did NOT give up on me in Group!

THANKS TO ALL FOR NOT GIVING UP ON THE ONE SUPER MANIC PERSON IN GROUP THAT CAN DISRUPT AND GET OFF SCHEDULE!

Now to my Art, Recovery without Relapse and KIND Eddie my new counselor.

Judi

Thank you once again for your support and staying the course with a manic disrupter.
Even with manic mood swings as a driver of my inappropriate behavior I still do NOT use my age or mood instability as a free pass to disrupt group. IF it helps when I do not honor Group Rules no exceptions look at me as a curly long haired difficult teen girl (me in my youth) and place consequences ON WHICH you used effectively time out and mute button. YOU ALL work as a team to facilitate group FOR BETTER GOOD OF the quiet shy ones, the F bomb honest one, the one who likes to take us on a virtual ATV ride and remind us he has  a job and life outside of group, one who shares the upbeat positives in life when while battling depression also a hard disorder that steals away better part of us plus our time, the one who uses positivity of exercise and outdoors in yard chores to both battle addiction and depression plus one still so young and trying to resolve whether she failed her friend or set some healthy boundaries and also one who shows such incredible social skills and hope to greet us all. Jess had to place me in Group in GBH in patient and give me subtle eye contact to be quiet. I am fortunate to know them all for our brief journey in chaos of group where we all make mistakes. While I believe Grandparents are the Gorilla Glue generation that assures us if they made it to their Elder years so can we, I feel ineffective and sad that my manic swings leave me so distorted from My True Self-kind caring and one follow golden rules of kindergarten-stand in line wait my turn and give others their turn....
I volunteer to leave group Friday and show grace-moving to my new safe home that on 3rd floor with luxury twin bed that finally erases fear flashback PTSD chaos being violated in my king size bed. That bed is long since gone but even my queen size bed left me feeling violated again and having panic attacks. Also I would just tell group thank you for putting up with my manic disruptions and motor mouth, that I still put myself in time put this week so others could share and must leave due move on June 30 to July 2 nd. Please laugh one of your great laugh-my first new buddy at my new Independent Living Home is Ruby a self described “Motor Mouth.” She said we can just be Motor Mouths together! Ha ha Judi k

Sent from my iPad

> On Jun 23, 2020, at 1:36 PM, Seely, Dorothy <Dorothy.> wrote:
>
> You are such a wonderful, big hearted and kind person Judi - I love that you are part of our group!  I will make sure to let you know when we need to move on from discussion or when we would like to hear more of what you want to share but unfortunately just cannot due to time limitations.  I believe it is very clear to everyone how much you care and I also need to be more firm about cross-talk but admittedly struggle with this as I also view you as my elder and was raised to always have respect and show that socially.  So - we are all learning and growing, all the time!  :) Have a good afternoon!  Dorothy

Jennifer

I appreciate all your extras, hard work and Mental Health Advocacy

on behalf for my family and myself! Along with Dorothy, Jess, Christian and ALL the stellar GBH in-patient and out-patent staff a big THANK YOU PLUS YOU ARE ALL MY SUPER HEROS INCLUDING THE LADIES WHO PASS ALONG MY MANY PHONE MESSAGES! Wish there was a mute button for emails as if you need another dozen from me. I am sorry for all unneeded communications and the good news is you can write an email to the makers of Risperdone and Carbamazepine for working so well finally on one of your challenging patients with manic psychosis and hyper manic mood swings. Obviously best news is it still works 30 years down a long hard road for a patient in her 70s. The letter written on my behalf supporting a move to Assisted Living is greatly appreciated. As to the referral to Dr. Chauhan I plan to pay forward you’re not giving up on me to her as neither one of us wanted to do all paperwork and she deserves my time and attention to our therapy.

Ii’s quite group effort to focus on preventing relapse while working on recovery.

Simply Thank You.

Judi