A HARD WEEKEND AT THE ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY

Over the weekend my mother called me 29 times, most of which I did not answer.  I did have a 40 minute call with her to discuss her living situation and basically told her that this was the safest place for her to live; especially during the Covid 19 pandemic.  She yelled and demanded her car; money; and for me to help her find a different facility.  She also said that she is going to cancel all her Doctor's appointments!  
Ever since I was a kid, I wanted ONLY the best for my mother.  I know she battles this disease on a daily basis and really struggles through life.  I just need her to understand that everything we do for her is for her safety.  Well, the conversation escalated and my mother HUNG up on me again.  I have explained that if she chooses to use me as her doormat and hangs up on me, I will choose not to answer her calls or text messages for a few days.

Here are some of her text messages for this past weekend.  When I did not answer her calls, her text messages changed.  

This awful place does not support health or nutrition. No more-I cannot be warehoused like unwanted furniture. NO PRIVACY HERE! I need privacy to live well. Light comes in all around door during night & many noises & voices off on during day. Food is not even well balanced. There is NO need waste money on doctor’s Appts or meds or tests. I am done. I do not believe you want what is best for me & I am left shattered over how you already made decisions without really working with me or caring what is best. No more platitudes please like there are people who want eat rotten bananas. I am done here. Either please help me out of here or your plan to warehouse me becomes a self fulling prophecy of ill health & I do not even have a shred of dignity left. How can you do this to me? I never ever treated you like this -putting you somewhere that is so miserable & no decent way to live. Why? I want out of here sooner better. Every single day here is just one more day of poor health. I cannot do this anymore. I am guessing you will just ignore my requests for better home like I had before & are ok I live miserably. This place is filled with lapses & nothing for me. I am defeated here.

(here is a picture of the rotting banana that she complained about.)

Please call me later around 9

I need your help I keep trying then .... Please I try

I am so sorry it’s been so hard & rough. I did not intend any hard times for you from the beginning to now. I have consistently given you credit for your gifts & help. I want to keep you in my life & value you even with hard times lately. Please give me a chance.

I am beyond sorry because I do cherish all you have done & do & wrote that in my journal. I was not sure if you were saying I have been a project without meaning to....please text me so we can mend this-please.  I have cared for you & tried to protect you as best as my resources let me & wanted always to help when I was able.

Please please give me a chance

I send you my love for the most amazing person & I do treasure you Please

Please text me

I have not cancelled any Appts PLEASE TEXT ME

I agree to all you have set up to help me and am so sorry it was so rough. Please know I both respect and give you credit for all you’ve done from May to now & your concern is my safety in a situation we all must manage with people angry, tired and maybe even needing money, you wanted to protect me & help me live safe. Please call me when you can. I do love & respect you💜🌻💜💐

It’s been harder than I imagined to allow you to take on the role of caretaking me & keeping me safe. I am so sorry to have such a hard relapse & cause you such distress without you also having my cooperation in what is safe place. Please come & visit me if you can for little while after Thursday’s Dr’s appt. I have signed up for the snow cone & outside drive for Friday. I am trying to live safe & work way to eat healthier w my salads. Please give a chance. We are open for family visits & Joyce’s daughter came to visit her.

I am so sorry & ask you please give me an opportunity to mend what happened. I am unwell still & know that makes no difference I am having difficulties feeling safe here in elevator & laundry area Joyce’s daughter asked me if I was OK I told her I was going back to my room tho I did not tell her how bad I felt over us I was trying to be private about myself

Travis sent me a video of Blu catching frisbees & thanked me for fun $ My friend said I am still good person because I am miserable & feel I cannot be around anyone for what happened I am losing myself & it feels awful I wish I never had this I am someone who tries to be thoughtful when well

I tried to find the stairwell today because the elevator is uncomfortable I only found storage & fire exit even following exit sign I have faithfully taken my meds I feel tired & undone I am sorry for all & that I am suffering so & causing you distress

I do not even know you will see my apology & how bad I feel for what happened If I am undone does saying I do love you mean much or count

Just if you read this know I do care what happens for you & want to protect you then I am unwell so I can just say I’d help you in some way I can The good kind part of me is still worthy of helping please

Just if you read this know I do care what happens for you & want to protect you then I am unwell so I can just say I’d help you in some way I can The good kind part of me is still worthy of helping please

my mother the bully, angry bipolar mother, playing the smallest violin

(I received these 24 text messages from my mother on Friday along with 4 phone calls.  I chose not to respond or pick up the phone as I have decided not to let her negative words affect me while I am at work.  She just doesn't understand that I have to work and am not her personal baby sitter.  She is in a fantastic retirement community that pamper her, but she wants more attention.  All this was triggered by a banana that was ripening.  Sure, it had some spots on it, but you don't eat the peel!)  

I give...I want my car back I want my nest egg back I want my home at 500 W Cartwright Apartment 411 back Can you make that happen by mid August? Also let’s just let go being on each other’s accounts & all the legal roadblocks that landed me in Old Gizzer Hell PLEASE

Living in what amounts to hell with NO choices for quality food or...leaves me NO incentives at all!!! 

This is worse than Camp Crappy You got out every afternoon by 4:30

I get to trade a healthy life style for cold calorie & fat filled breakfast for what once had. I was looking forward to a fun healthy salads filled summer & apparently I get a summer of rotten bananas-rather have blueberries, raspberries, spring mix, avocados-apparently $1850 month mostly goes to overhead around here-not any left for HEALTHY meals. Of course based on Texas ranking #37 in reputed homes for “elderly” I have no great or good expectations-THIS PLACE RATED O ZERO food variety & quality SAME TIRED OLD MENU OVER OVER LIKE BAD SCHOOL CAFETERIA

Who can I trust here? Will you help me or not? Do I need sign an agreement that once out of here I NO longer expect your help? This is a crummy way live & there is no bright “retirement” here-only same less than menu in a tiny room with NO separation from bed

& sleeping & TV which is also crap!!!!!! Nothing mets expectation here-NOTHING!!!!

I’ve had enough neglect & abuse as a child never mind comparing others experiences with mine. It started when I was 2 years old & did NOT let up until I checked out to university as young teen. I PROMISED myself I would not put myself in that kind living situation again-no choice for meals-it’s just check list for crummy eggs or pedestrian cereal-I write other cereal kinds down get same old fake Cheerios & fake bran cereal. Lunch is frequently mystery meat which why listed it as “Meat Lasagna” How about eggplant or spinach is cheap spinach lasagne? Because it is ONE MEAL FITS ALL NO VEGETARIAN COULD SURVIVE HERE-salty mushy & looks like older than Moses. Yes- the menu counts! It’s HUGE in doing what NO LONGER DO PER MULTIPLE DRS INSTRUCTION THAT DOES NOT SEEM TO BOTHER YOU

Out of Fairlife milk I ask for 2% & get WHOLE MILK DO YOU CARE?

PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE & FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I AM NOT GOING TO SMILE BE GOODY TWO SHOES SUBMISSIVE LIKE I LEARNED TO DO W MY MOTHER. I WANT OUT IN AUGUST NOT FURTHER DOWN ROAD WHEN ALL GAINS I MADE AT BS&W GBH & WITH MY DOCTORS GONE!!!!!! UP IN SMOKE

JENNIFER TALKED TO ME LIKE I WAS HER 4 or 5 YEAR OLD CHILD THANKS FOR THAT PUT DOWN!!!!! THIS PLACE IS NOT HOME!!!! IN GOING OVER MY PART IN THIS MISGUIDED DECISION I JUST THOUGHT I’D BE LESS BOTHER & THAT’s WHAT YOU WANT

What I want is my life at SL back You are not there enough to know what it means to me

People of all ages & children

Instead I am stuck here in Old Gizzer Hell Max The Cat or Bell the Dog NOT HAPPY HERE EITHER OR one would not hide away & the other yap constantly IT IS UNHEALTHY TO LIVE HERE & GAVE CHRISTINA & GINA THE CREEPS!

Why? Was this just ez way to get me out of your hair? I am doing all I can to remain healthy against too many odds main one tiny room & poor meals. I am so angry with myself for blindly going along with this fiasco

There is nothing here for me! I am not a sit in rockers like Jennifer suggested or walking blocks front high traffic

I need my life back & trusted you when said similar life here

Do NOT tell me to forget Bob’s heavy handed I will offend Terri if ask specific questions about the quality of food It is IMPORTANT to me & IF Bob is supportive he’d have tried to help find out about food PLUS I am NOT MAKE MAJOR MOVES WHILE TRYING RECOVER To me few hundred dollars putting short legs on my queen bed & new blue shower chair fit made difference & given me time needed to make wiser choice

Trust is gone here You do not trust me about what I need to recover & I do NOT trust this misguided decision to place me in what is NOT working for me What is left of life that nurtured me & helped me to wellness-NOTHING MUCH

I write following as my strengths for my “ Cultural Identity” when still in GBH in patient:

What in your CULTURE is a special support?

My words in my voice-

-Live & Let Live Positive Attitudes

-Welcome those to my life who practice kindness & use kindness to help others

(I hope my angels on earth come to extend me kindness & offer me a home-just like my Mother once threatened she’d adopt me out of family I am willing now)

How can you expand on your cultural identity & resources?

Reach out to those who need extra support (me now) & reach out to those different than myself (like Mary before & Christopher until he moves) & embrace & appreciate our differences

(I feel now I must embrace what is told to me & I am directed to do-few choices & must be approved first)

What community resources do you currently use on a regular basis?

My Apartment Community-not just staff Derrick, Tamara & her 5 year old granddaughter & Misty & her dog Revolver-add to that Millie once Benny still remembered Carlos & Adele R. now moves Bonnie et al about to move Christopher soon move mid to end October, Jill & Guys at Mesquite BBQ, new crew at Kearney’s plus Jaqueline who just met & helped with her Jeep at SL

Apparently you are under the mistaken view I live & enjoy life ALONE!  I see more of these people than many of my family due to long distances. Do I let them go? No-I text & call them

I’d guess that due to out town work, demands of your jobs Bob being one cause Bro’s version is you were working TWO jobs. Either through my own missteps or your own reluctance or both there’s been NO honesty or truth or meaningful exchange except for those rare & welcomes calls driving back from your work in Waco. Why allow me to make vision boards or not give them back sooner or tell me to quit helping you try locate a job. Why are you having to find a job? Because Bob has hoovered through a lot of jobs since 2012 & I do believe this job market has neither recognized or respected his career experience or accomplishments. I in weak moment share my concerns about viable jobs for you both & end up where I am today.

Truth-you have no extra time to help & yet ask how/what do help myself.

You & Bob listed under family support. Then I ended up in glorified “Elder Care Center” not much help here-it’s every person & survivor for his or her self-actually the few men w rare exceptions rather impressive Hermits. That’s how I feel-hermit asked to church study gospel singing etc mostly all white with nice mix Red Hats & rah rah USA 🇺🇸

This is not place welcomes diverse views, beliefs or cultural differences. No accepting as one is....Can you imagine my discomfort living here having to Fake It Until....

I cannot be me

You can be done with me AFTER you restore my nest egg, better match for a home & better more reasonable time & means transportation re shuttle only runs Tuesday & Thursday 8:30-2 & Wednesday in Mesquite ONLY 8:30-11 PLEASE try keep up w all convoluted requirements plus wait time-like all I have to do wait on appointment times open up & then wait to go there & then wait to come home

I believe families do encourage SELF FULFILLING defeats & successes. Mine is with few successes so far

Call me so I can at least know you will work to restore my savings & transportation of course at inconvenience fee & not parked out front of my FIRST FLOOR home. I do not endorse or like elevators I am in home hell without considering impact Covid to quality & wellness of my life

Simple request Call me Please stop ignoring my requests

From GBH Toolkit

What strengths have made you a survivor?

(Of child abuse, physical & PTSD traumas, moving 21 times & just recently twice in less 2 years)

RESILIENCE

KEEP TRYING (like now)

ACCEPTING I WILL MAKE MISTAKES (DPOA, moving near S-I-L  w obvious dissonance between us)

MOST OF ALL STAYING TRUE TO MYSELF

Will you help me fix these mistakes, move somewhere you & I accept (no one else involved) regain my well earned independence financially physically emotionally & for me especially?

I am honoring your request for a break... and due to level of negative communication that is hurtful from you. I am extending the break to Monday

Stacy helped me Thanks for letting me know There will be no further communication from me When you do contact me, please let me know balance of the savings held in reserve for me I expect to be excluded from any contact from you. I got comfort & balance elsewhere